A little rant about attachment parenting... (a.k.a why Dr. Sears is full of crap)

So I was researching temper tantrums this evening because Kieran is known to blow his lid from time to time- like every time he doesn't get his way, has to share or I leave the room... so in other words all the time. I keep coming across the same stuff, you know things like: stay cool- no one thinks this reflects on you as a parent (yeah- right), talk it out (hard to do when they don't talk yet), avoid the triggers (like visiting anyone his age, going to bed, being strapped into anything, leaving his site for a second...) basically a lot of really useful suggestions I never would have thought about myself. Then I came to the Dr. Sears site, a web page sure to instill a great sense of inadequacy, guilt and regret in even the most dedicated mother. And here is what I found:

1. Practice attachment parenting

We have noticed that infants who are carried a lot and whose cues are sensitively responded to are more mellow, less prone to tantrums, and are able to ride the waves of emotional upsets without falling apart so drastically. Because they operate from an inner peace, they are less prone to impulsive behavior or angry outbursts. Children, however, who are parented with less attachment are less able to recover from emotional storms. Attached parents can read their child so well that they naturally create conditions that minimize tantrum behavior. Practice as many of the attachment styles of parenting as you can, as often as you can. Making it easier to deal with temper tantrums is one of the immediate payoffs of attachment parenting. 


Okay- so I am not the perfect attachment mom- we both work and so Kieran goes to daycare during the school year- not ideal but the way it is. Despite this fact, I tried my hardest to be as attached to him as I could- wearing him in a sling, sleeping with him, holding him rather than putting him in swings and other baby containment devices as much as I could. My niece, on the other hand, goes from one caregiver to the next, from one home to the other, from car seat to swing, to bouncy. For those of you who don't know Presley, let me paint you a little picture: Imagine a child who is always dancing and babbling on in happy baby gibberish. A child who, when she doesn't get her way, usually turns the other cheek and toddles off happily to the next distraction. A child whose screams can't make your ears ring and that don't cause strangers to say "let's get away from that freaky, loud baby." Now I ask you- who is the mellow child and who is the one prone to tantrums?!!

Maybe I just did it wrong- wasn't there enough, sent out my inadequate-mommy/guilty vibes to Kieran and harshed his mellow. Maybe it was the two and half days I tried the cry-it-out method last summer. Or maybe, just maybe, Dr. Sears is full of crap and temper tantrums and mellow-ness have everything to do with innate personality traits and nothing (or very little) to do with the organic sling vs. the pumpkin seat that changes homes as often as new mommies change diapers. I have to belive the later is the case because otherwise I start back-sliding into the mommy-guilt and second guessing and worrying that I have set up my beautiful and (mostly) sweet natured  little boy for a life of "less able to recover from emotional storms" and "more prone to impulsive behavior or angry outbursts".

Of course if it is a matter of nature over nurture, and Kieran has inherited his tendency towards tantrums from his mother's prickly and high-strung personality...then what can I do to help him? Is he destined to a life of frustrations he can not manage and being known as the "sour grapes" kid? I sure hope not.

In other words I feel I am- damned if I do, damned if I don't and cursed either way with this crippling guilt and worry. But I still say Dr. Sears is full of s%@t!